The Needle Thief Dreams of Spears
a Twittah Novel by Remy Wilkins
1 “Hello, anybody here?” No sound. I enter anyway. I’m buds with Tom and Peggy, they won’t mind. I’m just returning a book.
2 I place the book on the kitchen table. Leaving I see a chocolate cake. They won’t mind. Plate-Fork-Knife-Slice of Cake.
3 Getting milk, I see a tupperware of braised pork, potatoes, green beans. No one wants leftovers. Only one serving anyway.
4 Forgot to lock the door. Shut the curtains too. Just cause Tom left it open for me doesn’t mean he wants weirdos here too.
5At the stove to caramelize onions. But uncorking a Malbec, I spill on my shirt. Unacceptable, gotta look nice if Tom returns.
6 Nice bathroom. Almost scrub out wine. Shirt is posh w/pink stripe. Shower has 3 heads. I hit it before my afternoon din-din.
7 Once showered I hear the doorknob rattling. I call the cops, find a towel the size of a bed, doublewrap myself and descend.
8 The thief picks the lock, I hide. I yell and dive at his knees when he enters. I mean she. Thief knocked out by hall table.
9 Thief dressed in business casual. Odd, but no time to think. Gotta call the fire department. Caramelized onion kitchen fire.
10 Cops arrive after fire dept. Useless jerks. I see Tom and Peg standing next door. They musta moved over the weekend. Crap.
11 I grab the book off the table. Running through the smoke, I exit out the back. Decide to save a really nice potted ficus.
12 Hope the CSI unit doesn’t DNA test. Shoulda poured Clorex down the shower drain to be safe. Wish I’d double flushed too.
13 Through a window I climb into Tom’s new house. Return the book. Then grab an overcoat to wear home. Check for undies too.
14 From Tom’s bedroom window I see them putting the thief/homeowner in the ambulance. No way can Tom fit into these corduroys.
15 With a new pair of pants, shoes, overcoat and ficus plant I slip out into the commotion. Wait, that’s not Tom. Where am I?