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  • The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved”.  Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross”.  The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out.  Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance”.  The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
  • The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards”.  They don’t have any other levels.  This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
  • The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide”.  The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender”.  The rise as precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.
  • Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing”.  Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides”.
  • The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs”.  They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose”.
  • Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
  • The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.  These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
  • Canada doesn’t have any alert levels.
  • New Zealand has raised its security levels – from “baaa” to “BAAAA”.  Because of continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is “I hope Australia  will come and rescue us”.
  • Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, mate”.  Three more escalation levels remain: “Crikey!”, “I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend” and “The barbie is cancelled”.  So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

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  • The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was making us believe superhero films could be realistic. 7 months ago
  • Ugh, I just heard a store playing some Cyber Monday music. 7 months ago
  • "You get a flower girl. You get a flower girl. Ever Bah Dee Gets Sa Flowah Gaaaarl" -weddings these days 7 months ago
  • The Black Friday sale in this store is insane! Everything's a dollar. EVERYTHING! The name of the store is Everything's a Dollar. 7 months ago
  • I like to point out that the musical acts in the parade are lip-synching. Sorry if you're the sort that wants to kill me & is married to me. 7 months ago

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