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  • The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved”.  Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross”.  The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out.  Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance”.  The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
  • The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards”.  They don’t have any other levels.  This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
  • The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide”.  The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender”.  The rise as precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.
  • Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing”.  Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides”.
  • The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs”.  They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose”.
  • Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
  • The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.  These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
  • Canada doesn’t have any alert levels.
  • New Zealand has raised its security levels – from “baaa” to “BAAAA”.  Because of continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is “I hope Australia  will come and rescue us”.
  • Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, mate”.  Three more escalation levels remain: “Crikey!”, “I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend” and “The barbie is cancelled”.  So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

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  • Wife: What are you working on? Me: My blood alcohol level. Wife: ... Me: BaDum TSS!* *[me falling into drumkit] 3 days ago
  • What do you call it when you use bourbon instead of vodka in a Bloody Mary? Oh yeah, an alcoholic. Right. 4 days ago
  • With zero ability or desire to follow directions and total lack in all technical skills, you too could learn to cook/whatever just like me. 3 weeks ago
  • Dadbod in the streets, but RADbod- just kidding, dadbod between the sheets as well. 3 weeks ago
  • It's not often, but sometimes I use phrases I don't understand per capita. 4 weeks ago

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