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“The other day, I overheard my older kids talking to my younger boy and they were saying ‘don’t ever, don’t EVER ask Dad to help you with your homework.’ They said I made up a war once.”

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  • Wife: What are you working on? Me: My blood alcohol level. Wife: ... Me: BaDum TSS!* *[me falling into drumkit] 1 day ago
  • What do you call it when you use bourbon instead of vodka in a Bloody Mary? Oh yeah, an alcoholic. Right. 2 days ago
  • With zero ability or desire to follow directions and total lack in all technical skills, you too could learn to cook/whatever just like me. 3 weeks ago
  • Dadbod in the streets, but RADbod- just kidding, dadbod between the sheets as well. 3 weeks ago
  • It's not often, but sometimes I use phrases I don't understand per capita. 3 weeks ago

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