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The other day a friend of mine said, “On Tuesday I gotta go slaughter a couple of bulls.”

I looked at him and said, “Wow. That’s exactly how I refer to voting.”

“No really, I have to get them butchered.”

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  • Wife: What are you working on? Me: My blood alcohol level. Wife: ... Me: BaDum TSS!* *[me falling into drumkit] 12 hours ago
  • What do you call it when you use bourbon instead of vodka in a Bloody Mary? Oh yeah, an alcoholic. Right. 1 day ago
  • With zero ability or desire to follow directions and total lack in all technical skills, you too could learn to cook/whatever just like me. 2 weeks ago
  • Dadbod in the streets, but RADbod- just kidding, dadbod between the sheets as well. 3 weeks ago
  • It's not often, but sometimes I use phrases I don't understand per capita. 3 weeks ago

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