There are many fine uses of Twitter, but to me Twitter is for jokes. And since I love Top Tweets Lists I thought I’d take a crack at my own. I’ve cherry plucked 12 from my fav list from roughing within the last month or so.
I took the cucumber out of my pants. She sagged visibly then. Plastic bags were extra, I said. That night, our salad tasted like bitterness.
— Arjun Basu (@arjunbasu) January 31, 2013
Arjun Basu tweets short stories, often bittersweet, sometimes merely bitter, but always compelling.
I wish I was a Wiccan named Walter, I wish I was a vaulter, I wish I had a girl who looked good also named Walter.
— donni(@donni) January 31, 2013
There’s so much fun to be had with references to the past. Ephemeral jokes work best when the subject is ephemeral, like the above Skee-Lo reference.
Ready to feel old? When was the last time a friend asked you to go out? No, wait. That’s not old. That’s lonely. Ready to feel both at once?
— vladchoc (@vladchoc) January 31, 2013
Vladchoc is good at breaking jokes humorously.
Gauge a person’s importance by throwing a handful of Skittles at them and seeing how long it takes you to get tackled by large men in suits.
— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) January 26, 2013
Ted Travelstead is pretty much the most creative joke teller ever. He eschews established funny for the unmined areas.
Jerry needs a haircut for a date that night but doesn’t want a bad “Day 1 Cut.” Kramer has a guy who can cut it so it’ll pass for a “Day 14″
— Modern Seinfeld (@SeinfeldToday) January 16, 2013
Seinfeld Today is flawless.
Even if your wife is 9 months pregnant, she probably doesn’t want to be called your “little linebacker of love”.
— Joffre the Giant (@joffrethegiant) January 18, 2013
Sometimes it’s the true things that make us laugh.
I never feel guilty about eating baby carrots because it’s not like adult carrots are doing anything great with their lives.
— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) January 16, 2013
If you wanted to fight me because this isn’t the funniest Matt Roller tweet in the last month then I would acquiesce, because anything he tweets his star worthy and plus I’m a really huge sissy.
??? // RT @lindachown2013 Language of the poet makes meaning invisible.
— Aarοn Belz (@aaronbelz) January 31, 2013
This is easily the most economic joke I’ve ever seen on Twitter. Aaron Belz is one of the best.
Pushed Eli’s buggy into the ditch & set an elaborate hex upon it. When he remonstrated, I merely said “Meet thy new boss, lamb.” #AmishWar
— Uncle Dynamite(@UncleDynamite) January 23, 2013
Uncle Dynamite escalates this joke perfectly. Stunning.
New slogan for KFC: “We found lunch in a hopeless place.”
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) January 9, 2013
One of my favorite things about Twitter is all the helpful free advice for America.
Four hours later, I realized that I wasn’t hired to babysit a child, this was, in fact, Frankie Muniz.
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) January 17, 2013
This Tweet is really scary. Pretty sure it’s the plot of an upcoming Paranormal movie.
*an endless horde of pugs in full gallop, rippling like the sea, and my form, appearing intermittently, diving in and out like a dolphin*
— Liam G. (@LHGarrett) January 15, 2013
Sometimes the painting of the picture is the best part of the picture.